I had been listening to this song, WishList, by Pearl Jam, for hours and hours and hours… and some more.
Then I kind of got way-over-too-full with it and then it struck me that I need to change the mood and the play list.
Some friends were over for the weekend and demanded to see some porn that I did not have.
Their incredulity, “Tere PC mein EK bhhi nahi hai???? Haw!!!!”
So for their viewing pleasure/necessity, I asked my flatmate if he had some and indeed, he did!
That porny folder of CDs and DVDs also had an MP3 CD of Kishore Kumar songs.
I shamelessly pirated that pirated CD and changed my playlist to play THESE Songs… Now I got struck on this playlist and particularly the song, “Teri Duniyaa se, ho ke majboor chhalaa, main bahut door, bahut door, bahut door chhalaa!!!” As this one suited my mood, as perfectly as the other one, WishList, Those who have been thru it, can make the connection.
I think, I was forced by these and the present mindset and the dreams. and a lot of thoughts and a lot of sweat and blood to go in and DECIDE. A Decision, by my reckoning is just, forcing and convincing your self to go against what you REALLY Desire.. Might look weak, but then as some one said, “Conscience is the trade-name of Cowardice.”
And this is what I am in the constant process of.. these days. Telling myself, I do not need this, I do not want this… All the while going absolutely against all that I have ever stood for…
All that I have ever striven for.
All that I have never come to begetting, yet gone ahead, persistently and shamelessly, for it!
And now… And for these last 36 hours or so, I am smiling and crying at the same time, but then I can see, with a saline-blurred vision, that I am getting into THIS thing NOW… An Absolute, Polar opposite of what I was desiring till this time, when this supposed transformation started…
What are these things, do not ask…I just wanted to convey this out loud… And what better place than this???
I still, for seconds get the same thing that was driving me up to now, but now, with great effort, I am getting away.
Very Away… Door, bahut door, bahut door….
This is a very bad one that I am writing and I may never come to terms with posting it. Making it public. This thing that is so close to my heart…
P.S. Originally written on May 18, 2006 @ 01:40:32, posted on Wednesday, May 02, 2007. 08:00:48 AM. This is HOW LONG it took me to decide… 30,262,816 seconds.